Drabble The Picnic From Hell
by Merisel
Summary: This short ficlet was inspired by the Transformers 2007 Movie Random Pairing Generator. Ironhide / Ratchet / Picnic


"This is a _perfect _day for a picnic!" Mikaela breathed in the scent of Judy Witwicky's flowers. _She sure knows how to keep a garden - the back yard looks fantastic!_

"It sure is," Sam agreed, and spread the blanket out on the grass. It was a good thing his parents were away, especially his dad. He'd never hear the end of it if they found out he invited the Autobots over. Fortunately, Optimus had made them all promise not to do anything to mess up the yard.

Mikaela set the picnic basket down, then looked around at the sound of loud engines. "Sam, they're here!"

"Great!" Sam sent a quick prayer for a nice, quiet afternoon, then went to greet his friends. "Hey, Bumblebee! Hi, Optimus, Ratchet. Ironhide."

"Hi, Sam, Mikaela," Bumblebee said, happy to see his two favorite humans again.

They both smiled back at him. "Hi, Bee."

"Hello, Samuel Witwicky," Optimus responded with his typical formality. "Hello, Mikaela Banes."

Ratchet nodded politely to the pair. "What is the purpose of a picnic? Don't you usually consume food inside your dwelling, at a table?"

"Well, yeah, but sometimes it's nice to eat outside when it's warm. A little fresh air's good for us," Sam told him.

"But the air is not fresh." Ratchet 'sniffed', then rattled off a list of pollutants he'd analyzed.

"Uh..." Sam had no idea what to say to that, and looked at Mikaela for help. She looked like she was about to burst into laughter, and gave him a 'I-told-you-so look. Ironhide came to his rescue then.

"Don't see 'em choking on it," he grunted. "How long's this picnic gonna take?"

"Two hours," Mikaela said, ignoring the weapons specialist's disgruntled expression, and helped Sam unpack the picnic basket.

_Two hours? _Ironhide groaned to himself. Two hours of watching them cram various food items into their faces. Whenever he did complain about something like this, Sam just laughed and made jokes. He'd even heard Mikaela once say that he was 'kinda cute when he's grouchy'. _Cute?! Hmph!_ If only there was some way to get out of this without hurting their feelings.

"Mmm... Fresh potato salad." Mikaela eagerly put some on her paper plate.

"Got some KFC to go with it." Sam opened the bucket of fried chicken.

"Baked chicken is healthier," Ratchet pointed out.

"Yup. But KFC chicken tastes great!"

"Eleven herbs and spices," Mikaela recited, snagging a drumstick.

"Hmm." Ratchet scanned the chicken limb, blinked his optics, but decided not to crush Sam and Mikaela's devotion to the food they liked so much.

Bumblebee sat down on the grass, legs stretched out, and, at their request, played pop songs for them while they ate. Optimus remained standing, occasionally asking questions about other human pastimes.

Fifteen minutes later, Sam suddenly dropped the ear of corn he'd been munching on. "Agh!"

"What's the matter?" Mikaela asked, looking around.

"Something is threatening you?" Ironhide demanded, stomping over to them.

"Ants! They're everywhere!" Sam jumped to his feet, brushing frantically at his jeans.

"Oh, no! They're getting into the food!" Mikaela exclaimed, and tried to save what she could. The potato salad was a goner, but the chicken and the corn was still safe. She checked on the dessert, fudge brownies. "Looks like they went for the brownies first. Dammit"

"Great!" Sam clapped a hand to his head. "I thought my dad sprayed for bugs the other day!"

"I've found where the ant colony is residing," Ratchet announced, studying three small holes in the ground, right next one corner of the blanket.

Sam took a look at that spot. Sure enough, there were ants coming and going from thoe holes. "Ok.. Do you have anything that'll kill them, Ratchet?"

"Kill? Are ants sentient beings?" Optimus just had to ask, deadpan.

"Huh?" Sam stared at him a moment, while Mikaela chuckled. "Oh.. Funny, Prime. Real funny."

"These creatures are well organized in their daily activities," Ratchet said, after rolling his optics at Optimus. "That normally indicates some level of intelligence. Also, this particular species is native, not invasive, and should be left alone."

"They are intruders here!" Ironhide argued in favor of eliminating the pests. "They've ruined Sam and Mikaela's picnic!"

"The ground is their natural habitat!" Ratchet retorted. "We cannot destroy them on a whim."

"Some people keep ants as pets, in 'farms'," Bumblebee volunteered.

"You see? They can also be domesticated." Ratchet nodded, satisfied at the further evidence of the ants' right to live.

_Domesticated?! "_Uh, guys.. There are plenty of ants in other peoples' yards. It's not like they're about to become extinct," Sam pointed out. Geez, if they get any louder, the neighbors'll wanna know what the hell's going on.

"That is beside the point. It's the principle that matters here," insisted Ratchet.

"The boy asked us to get rid of them. And--they're climbing up my legs!" With a dramatic roar of outrage at being besieged himself now, Ironhide aimed one of his cannons at the holes.

"Ironhide! Don't!" Optimus ordered, just as he fired at the ants' home.

"No!!" Sam and Mikaela both covered their heads as the ground exploded, dirt and grass flying everywhere.

"Sam? Mikaela? Are you all right?" Bumblebee rushed over to them, worried.

"Yeah... I think so.." Sam said, loudly, his ears ringing. That's sure to bring the neighbors out!

"--I am so gonna shower when I get home.." muttered Mikaela, picking a tuft of grass out of her hair. _I just__** knew **__something was going to go wrong!_

"Ironhide, that was hardly necessary!" Optimus admonished him.

"What the hell am I gonna tell the neighbors?!" Sam blurted out, freaked. At least the blanket wasn't on fire! But those three tiny holes were now a small crater. He moaned, cradling his head in his hands. "Oh, man.. My parents are gonna kill me!"

"I apologize for this accident, Sam. We'll help you replace the damaged soil and grass," Optimus offered after a _very_ reproachful frown at Ironhide. Ironhide tried to look contrite, failed miserably, and shrugged his huge shoulders.

"I'll tell your neighbors that we were just having a problem with the barbeque grill." Bumblebee transformed into the Camaro, turning on his hologram driver and rolling out to intercept any frightened humans that might come to Sam's house.

"Ok, thanks. That'd be great!" Sam thanked them, relieved, and hoping the neighbors buy the story.

"There are survivors," Ratchet stated, examining the ground. "Sam, find a large container they can be placed in. I will take all of them back with me, for further study."

Sam gaped at him. "--you're kidding, right?"

"He's not joking," Ironhide grumped; he honestly didn't know what all the fuss was about.

"O-kay... There's an empty fish tank in the garage; I'll go get it."

/_You serious about taking these bugs home?_/ Ironhide asked, watching Sam jog off to the garage. Mikaela bagged the ruined food and dropped it into the garbage can.

/_No. I'll find a safe location for them before we reach our base,_/ Ratchet replied. /_By the way, thank you for making this picnic more interesting. I must admit I was starting to become bored_./

_/Me, too_./ Ironhide smugly added, /_They weren't really crawling up my legs. Just had a couple of 'em on my foot._/

/_I know._/ Ratchet almost smiled, but reverted back to his serious expression when Sam returned carrying a medium-sized empty aquarium.

"Will this work?" Sam asked.

"That will do perfectly. Would you and Mikaela mind scooping the ants into it?" Ratchet asked them. "I'm afraid I might crush them with my hands. They'll need soil, too."

"Soil..right..." Sam looked at Mikaela, who sighed and nodded, then at Optimus.

"I'm sorry, Sam, but my hands are far too large as well," Optimus said apologetically; he really wished Bumblebee hadn't mentioned ant farms to Ratchet.

"If you should happen to find the queen ant alive, take extra care in picking her up," Ratchet requested. "She'll be the only ant with wings. Search the grass, too, please."

"Sure, Ratchet, sure.. Let's get this over with.." Mikaela got down on her knees and started scooping up dirt. No use trying to argue with Ratchet when he gets like this.

"Yeah." Sam knelt down, too, and whispered. "Mikaela, I--"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Got something to say, Sam?"

He leaned toward her before admitting in an even lower whisper. "You were right. We _really _can't take those two anywhere."

Pretending not to hear that, Ratchet turned his head and winked conspiratorially at Ironhide, then continued supervising the rescue of the remaining ants.


End file.
